my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
