I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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