On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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