Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
