At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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