Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
