I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
