No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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