I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize