I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
