i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
