Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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