I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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