I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
