Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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