it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
