I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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