Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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