i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
