You smell like a Billy Joel song
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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