worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
