I wish I could teleport
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
