I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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