i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
