You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If that was your dad, he is hot
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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