so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I'm really busy with my period
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