easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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