i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
