I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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