This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I supernannyed him into submission
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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