he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
