Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
