I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
