gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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