I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
How naked do you want me to be?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
