I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
