every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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