That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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