I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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