My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Randomize
