My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Im part way to drunk.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
