Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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