I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
