why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize