I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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