I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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