I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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