Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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