I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize