Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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