if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize