You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
