He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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