i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
