I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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