I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
