Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Alive.
So much puke
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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