I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
