Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
