No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
