I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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