made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
