I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
