Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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