i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
