So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
