So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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