Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
