On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Moan for me like Helen Keller
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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