I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
