My underwear smells like fireworks.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
